Proud

My heart beats faster. I’ve written it all down.

I’m going to do it. A few more deep breaths.

Damn, they shake. Aim for control.

It’s elusive.

The longer I wait, the more my vision darkens and my throat constricts.

I tap the call button.

It rings several times. I won’t mind if he doesn’t pick up.

But then, I do; gathering up my courage takes strength.

He answers.

He immediately tells me about yet another change in my schedule.

I play along until he’s ready to hang up.

My voice shakes as I ask if he has a few more minutes.

There’s a pressure on my head.

I tell him I’m nervous.

But I need to say it.

Everyone else just sucks it up.

I go on a rant.

Except that he interrupts several times.

I still manage to say half of what I’d written down.

I need better communication.

I need more appreciation.

(didn’t say this)

I need more information.

I need a rest.

(said this jokingly like “haha, yeah, that’s the best medicine but not an option, haha”).

I need to not have new customers dumped on me.

I need to not be interrupted.

(didn’t say this, it was a thought when he did so)

I need a raise.

The sound of my heart almost overpowers his voice.

I don’t cry.

We say our goodbyes.

I hang up.

I did it.

I cry.

**************************************

Many people out here might know what it’s like. You need to talk to your boss or direct supervisor. You need to tell them that you’re not happy. If you don’t, you’ll keep going down that downward spiral. And that never ends well; you’ll get sick or you’ll quit, or something else happens.

It doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help your employer. At least if you talk to them about your concerns, they know and they can act upon it… I suppose some might, and some won’t, but at least you won’t have anything to blame on yourself. Such talks are hard though, really hard. Especially for introverts.

I had a talk like that last week. I was still shaking half an hour afterwards. But I did it. And I felt proud for having done so. I’m also pleased to be able to say that my employer has taken it into consideration, and has actively acted upon it.

 

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