There was only one more left and he looked stupidly at the others lying on the ground, before swinging his weapon. I ducked underneath—because you can’t really duck above—and then, I stabbed out with my halberd in his gut, and he doubled up—because I suppose it hurts getting stabbed by a halberd point. And that gave me my chance! Tsjakkaa! Phhfaaaw!
This is Nadec, my adventure, written down in a better way than I can tell it.
Chapter one, deadline
Nadec cursed when she glanced at her watch. She’d missed her deadline by half a day. A common side-effect of being too caught-up in the fight is losing track of time. Although the time wasn’t the main reason for the profanity. She kicked the tall grass as another swear escaped her mouth.
‘Bloody thing,’ she murmured while tapping the watch a few times. She frowned. ‘I’m sure that had been more than 37 000 steps.’
No fitness trackers ever counted all the steps she took while in the air. It had always been a pet peeve of hers. With all of the technology available back home, it was frustrating how lacking it all still was. Of course, the first time she’d come to The Other Realm—just a little over three years ago now—it had been a pleasant surprise to see her stuff still working. She’d halfway expected things to have been crushed by the travel or freaked out by no longer being on Earth.
Have to say something about this because it’s incomplete information. It should really say that most of the stuff still works. The one thing that always fails me, is photos! I cannot take photos in the other realm. A shame, really.
She surveyed her surroundings while dislodging her halberd from the dead creature’s head. That was something she’d learned after getting caught by surprise on a few occasions. Tall, knee-high grass swayed in the wind around her on open, rolling flatland. Yellow blending with light green as far as the eye could see. Many creatures could be lurking here, but no threat of xlurps. They were too large and clumsy, not to mention stupid, to hide in the grass. Their choice of camp—this spot must be the worst spot in the history of making camp—attested to their low intelligence.
Nadec tried to wipe her weapon clean on the garment of the last xlurp she killed. She grimaced as she struggled to do that. The clothes didn’t deserve to be called that; a cloth sounded more accurate.
It didn’t look like more than a narrow strap of fabric, with two holes at each end. Those were meant for the head. The tension while wearing the cloth, stretched the holes into elongated ovals. As for coverage, it provided the bare minimum. The only areas it covered was the lower spine section of the back, the middle of the front body up to the navel, and almost everything in between the legs.
The part near the ass was wedged in between the purple-haired, fiery orange buttocks. She did feel lucky that the cloth was attached tightly enough to keep its position. It already gave too much away. Fair to say that the sight had distracted Nadec a lot during the fight. And, she supposed, it would have been worse if it hadn’t worn any cloth at all. She’d been in that situation before, and it was not pretty. Almost lost her head once—dry retching while fighting was not recommended.
Wiping the pink blood off her weapon proved impossible by the tightness of the garment. She had no choice but to cut the cloth off near the neck with her side knife. When she was done with that little bit of battle-aftercare, she couldn’t help but take a peek at what the cloth was meant to cover.
This time the loud cruse was directed at herself.
Yeah, it’s just stronger than myself.
Every time she told herself she’d never do it again, but each time she did it anyway. She shuddered in an exaggerated way and contorted her face in disgust. It would definitely have distracted her even more during fighting. As if one ball sack wasn’t enough.
She shortened the halberd’s shaft by holding it in a specific place, and flung it at her back. The magnets held on to it immediately, keeping the weapon in place. A protection cover shot out from the sides to cover the sharp bits. It had taken her a while to find a proper way of carrying the—kind of—oversized axe-like weapon.
At first she’d tried the traditional hip-carry. Because of the special shaft, enabling her to shorten it, she’d thought that would’ve been the best carry. But its large size and her rather diminutive stature—not to mention non-diminutive hips—disproved her idea.
After tripping over it several times and cutting herself more than once, she’d gone on a mission to find a better way. Seriously, how did the men in all those stories carry their axes on their belts? It was just not practical!
I actually googled it back then, and it was just as I thought, it was the worst way! Try it yourself, look it up!
She’d tried finding a solution on Earth first, but that hadn’t worked out. Many recommendations had sent her to a tiny village in The Other Realm. The whole village had been—and still is, she assumed—dedicated to weaponry and the art of carrying them. They’d designed the harness. She’d come up with the magnetic aspect. Their ideas combined, and only three weeks later she’d been able to walk away there without tripping and hurting herself.
Having it on her back was perfect. The weight was placed in the most central and supported spot. The handle stuck out over her right shoulder, in perfect reach to grab with her right hand. She’d tried to have it at the left shoulder but that was too awkward.
She shrugged, letting the weight of it settle, and took one last look at the four dead, orange creatures around her. Poor buggers hadn’t stand a chance against her. A chuckle escaped from deep in her throat, banishing that other feeling. No one stands a chance against me. Ever since her employment in The Other Realm, not once had she been defeated or knocked out.
She stood there for a while, gloating over her accomplishment before suddenly remembering her deadline. Oh, and this job’s main goal as well. She hurried to the xlurps’ campfire and untied the man lying there. He’d been tied to a thick branch, ready to rotate on top of the fire. Although she didn’t take the time to properly look at him—her mind set on leaving—a small corner of her brain did register the naked fellow as not unattractive.
‘There you go buddy’.
She untied him without a second glance—because really, who has time for men when you’re constantly being called upon to save them. Nadec felt a constriction at the chest now that the deadline was back in her mind. Her fans would probably be whining again about the lateness of her blog post. It was past time to skip back home. Kitty would be waiting for her too.
She bent her knees slightly, slapping them against each other in quick succession. Her hands were placed on top, appearing to follow her knees. Except that her arms alternated between getting crossed and opening up, giving the illusion that her legs were doing funny things. The expected build-up of energy came quickly and she concentrated on where she needed to go. Home. With the next crossing of her arms, she found herself back in her apartment.
Kitty immediately came up to her, meowing and jumping up in her arms, purring as loudly as a cat-sized bumblebee. The headbutts he gave against her head were like little bursts of joy, spreading happiness around.
I’m sure all of you know that cats are magic, right?
‘What just happened?’
She jumped at the unexpected male voice. Her furry buddy dug in his claws at the sudden movement. That definitely shattered the bliss and shrank it down to a pitiful state.
With a grunt and a scowl, Nadec looked down. There was the man she’d just freed, only now letting go of her ankle.
You have been listening to Nadec, chapter one, deadline. Narrated by myself, Nadec. Adventured, and lived through, by Nadec. Written in a better way than I can tell it, by Astrid Jef.
Don’t go just yet, we have some bloopers for you. [theme music on the background until the end of the podcast] Before we go on to the bloopers, first I’d like to apologise for the quality of the sound of the bloopers and the intro, the one where I tell my own story. I promise it will get better in the next episodes. Thank you for sticking with me.
That was something she’d learned after getting… *sigh* Hold ooon.
She grimaced, as she pffhhttr.
The tension, while wearing the clowth.. Cloowthh. Uurrh? Eeeu. Beh.
Drink. Aaahhh. [sound of setting bottle down] Mm. Nice.
She did feel lucky that cloth was to be… was.. waau? She did feel lucky that the cloth was… what the fuuuuuck [in falsetto singy tone]
Okay. She did feel lucky that the wah, cloth, was, utupfh. Heh.
It already gave too much away. Pfuh. [croacky voice]
She had no choice but to cut the cloth off near the neck, with her side knife. Wahh. She had no choice but to cut the clowth of near the neck.. Whoat? Again! She had no choice but to cut the clofff.. hahaha [=chuckle]. Bloody hell. This, whatta, ghhrh. hm.
THIS time. Uh, what the fuck, don’t yell.
Anyway. [croacky voice] [cough cough, clear throat]
She shuddered, in an edgadgerated, exactgerated way. hahaha, shit. She shuddered in an egagerated way and controrted her face. In disgust. What? Can I suddenly not do that anymore?
The magnets hang on.. wuuu weee?
I actually goodled ik. wuhaha. Again.
She’d tried finding finding a solution on Eart firsth. Firsht. First. But dat hadn’t worked out. I’ll just do the whole sentence again.
The other village had been.. No. What? Break! [sound of setting bottle down] Hhhaahhh. Break over.
Alloo? Alloooo? Alright, start again, break over, shit, where was I? Okay. [silly voice]
Nadec felda constriction at her chest now, that.. W-wait. What? Nadec felt a constriction at the sjj.
In quick sux-succession.